Have you ever been in a room of people and felt alone? Tucked away in some corner semi-proud of yourself for being somewhat social. After all you did come out, didn’t you? Well, all this seems null and void when you don’t interact with anyone. New Year’s Eve I planned a quiet night with a big down comforter, Ryan Seacrest’s Time Square countdown, and a bowl of popcorn when I received a text message saying, “Are you really gonna spend the New Year alone?” I respond via text, “Yea.” Feeling a sense of pity from the person asking, I thought wow they must feel sorry for me. In some ways, I kind of felt sorry for myself. It has been about a year in a half since I broke off my engagement and holidays have not been the same since. When you are in a relationship with someone, the holidays may not seem to be a big deal, but you tend to take for granted the built-in family and friend aspect. The huge social events, big hardy laughs, and pictures jammed packed with memorable moments. As many of you know when a relationship ends many of those moments also end and all you seem to have is those photos that you stare at with bittersweet feelings.
Rebuilding the holidays after the ending of a relationship involves constant thought and a significant behavior change. So this brings me to why I said yes to the random text when I really wanted to say no. I needed a behavior change for the New Year. I was determined to start the new year with a new social ambition. However I found myself severally bored with the wallflower selection, me being one of those wallflowers. The friend that I attended with seemed just as bore although we had a great time poking fun at ourselves and secretly at others. We both chose to stick a couple of random one-liners to people but stayed tucked in the corner for the most part taking pics. Interesting enough when I got home I had a plethora of Instagram requests from people at the party that I didn’t even realize they knew I was there. Shortly after accepting those new requests I received another text from a friend that often shares Scorpio horoscope messages with me. The message said that in 2014 Scorpios must open up and be more social. It emphasized on that fact that everyone wants to get to know us which is excellent but we do not make ourselves available which oddly attracts them more. I know that this is true. I have a wealth of magical social experiences in my head but often when presented with them I decline.
Now being aware I am trying to change the behavior, pushing myself to social change. This social change will ultimately help me move on as well. When you spend tons of time alone with your thoughts, you often rack your mind with thoughts of past mistakes and have yourself caught in a whirlwind of should’ve, could’ve, would’ve.
If you are genuinely trying to move forward, you must first move.
Staying stagnant is not an option for progress. Besides I love everything about the holidays. I am like Joanne Clayton off of Girlfriends celebrating every holiday, festive holiday foods, and joyous holiday harmonies. So my first attempt to change my socialization for the new year was to make my own holiday. New Years day I held a neighbor appreciation day. Inviting my neighbors down to let them know how much I appreciate the support they have giving me especially over the last year and half after of the breakup. They pulled my trash to the curb for me, picked me up from the hospital, invited me out and to dinners, and check on me often. The look on their face was priceless. They were so grateful and happy. They raved over the food, pulling out their phones to take pictures to post to their social media accounts. That just made my day to see how incredibly grateful they were for that experience. It released in me first extreme happy moment in 2014 thus far. It is beginning to look like social change to me. I am gaining back some of the joys that I felt that I had lost. I enjoy seeing people smile, pleased with the small pieces of gratitude that we share with each other every day. You never know how you doing a small act of kindness will change not only that person but you.